Love is Temporary, Family is Forever

My stages

Month 1 July= Worst feeling in the world. I could not eat, I did not sleep. I could only sleep via hypnosis and listening to classical music. I could barely even breathe and didn’t have the energy to get up. I cried at least 10 times a day. I got very drunk. Sent emotional txts and emails. Believed he would come back to me. Actually felt like I was dying. It is really the worst feeling in the world. I felt like my soul had gone, I felt sick, my stomach was heavy, my body felt empty and drained and I did not think I could get on with my life.

Month 2 August = Began to eat and sleep normally, crying got less and less. Still got very drunk and sent bad emails. Could start to function normally at work, started going to the gym. Whole month gone in a blur. Lived by heartbreak websites

Month 3 September = Got moved to wellington where he lives, started hating myself and the choices I had made, had a brief fling with someone, began to laugh again and go out more. Started looking after my appearance. 

Month 4 October = Was stuck in Wellington and doing ok. Barely even thought of Scott, started looking at boys for the first time. Laughed. Became happy. Started meeting new people and would only cry once a week and think of him then.

Month 5 November = started the month ok, but things have gone downhill from there. Saw him for the first time and got so drunk and made a fool out of myself. Was meant to be classy and beautiful and instead became trashy and showed him proof of why being single was better. Unsure about going to his 21st. Feel rejected and alone and really regret the life choices I made for myself this year. Feel like I have no friends or family. Been a hard week and cant stop crying. Should stop drinking alcohol. Really miss him and cant believe what he threw away. Cant stop thinking of what I could have done and should have done, how I could have been better.

Loves a bitch. I dont ever want to be in a relationship again if it hurts and destroys you this badly. I just want him to hold me again and to laugh one more time 

I hate you so much it makes me sick. But then at the end of the day I love you with everything I had and have but it will never be good enough. 

Rant time

This feeling just wont go away, I just cant breathe. It’s like a giant suffocating curtain that keeps dropping on you when you least expect it. On those sunny days when you think you are doing ok and then BAM. It hits you and it hurts. I just cant breathe and I feel like no matter what I do I cant get over him and my life will never be the same. All I want to do is cry, take it all back, never date him or hurt him before he could destroy my soul. I don’t know if I can recover from this, if my heart will ever be the same, if I will ever love someone like I loved him or give my all to that special someone. He is the one for me and I just can’t forget everything we shared and laughed about. How could something so perfect and happy just be thrown away one day. How could he not hint to me or just talk to me? You cant throw away one year to be single and get with girls. I just dont understand how you can break someone’s heart, destroy their soul and ruin everything they were. Then say you love them. Then act like you dont even know them. At least talk to me. Dont treat me like the outcast, the weirdo, the one who doesnt belong. You cant pretend that we did not happen, because it did and it was beautiful. I just hope you dont say bad things about us because the only bad thing was a breakup. I never did anything to you but love you and respect you and if breaking up with me because I was too in love is a bad thing then you dont deserve me and you dont deserve real love. This really is a rant but im so angry and im so hurt. I hate you but I dont. I just want to be over you and to be happy. But I cant. I hate who I have become and how happy you are. I just love you so much and want you back, why dont you want me?